The Truth About Pregnancy After Infertility and Miscarriage

     I am 15 weeks pregnant today but unlike other pregnant women I am not taking pictures of my bump or wondering if the baby is a boy or a girl.  Instead I am wondering if this baby inside of me is still alive or at my next doctors visit, like at other doctors visits I find out this one too has passed  away.

    I have lost a baby in the first trimester and I have lost a baby in the second trimester.  The first trimester loss was so much easier to deal with.  You go to the hospital, they put you to sleep and when you wake up you are no longer pregnant.  If you are like me you will torture yourself and need to see your little embryo that is just starting to resemble a baby. A second trimester loss is so much harder.  For that you are in labor and delivery and have to give birth but you can't call it giving birth since your baby will never take a breath.  Then you lay there holding your tiny baby that you longed for and loved so much and knew you were going to have to let go of.  And as you lay in your hospital bed listening to a new baby's cries you pray for your baby now in heaven and you pray for a way to heal.

      So here I am  after a year of IVF cycles finally pregnant and in the second trimester.  I try so hard to take it for what it is and just enjoy making it this far but I know there will be fear in my heart until I  hear this little one cry and am holding them safely in my arms

11 weeks and update

     I can't believe I haven't posted anything in 2 1/2 months.  A lot has happened.  First of all we obviously have finished the IVF cycle we started in September.  The cycle itself was uneventful but the retrieval was horrible.  After meeting with the doctor and the anesthesiologist I started to get an uneasy feeling.  I could hear what was being said behind the other curtains and it wasn't good.  One couple got 8 eggs.  Another got 12 but the doctor accidentally punctured her uterus.  I turned to my husband and said I wish Dr. Pang was doing my retrieval I'm not sure this doctor is very good at what he does.  Well my retrieval was done we got 5 eggs which was extremely upsetting considering I had about 40 follicles.  Come to find out he only retrieved the 5 eggs from one ovary and said the rest were to difficult to get to.  This is a problem we never had before and honestly I think this doctor was incompetent.  Well of our 5 eggs 4 fertilized,  3 made it to a day 3 transfer and 2 were transferred.  On to the two week wait.

     Two weeks go by and yay we get a positive beta!!! I was so happy and then worried my progesterone level was extremely high.  High progesterone can be a sign of multiples or a molar pregnancy.  All we can do is wait and see.  The next couple weeks go by and it's time for our first ultrasound.  No molar pregnancy and no multiples.  Just one perfect little beating heart.  We couldn't have been happier.  Maybe this time we would have an uneventful happy pregnancy.   Nope sorry but that is just not my life.

     One week later I go see my ob/gyn.  I am now 8 weeks pregnant.  We get another ultrasound and once again everything is going perfect.  We meet with the nurse who decided to do some blood tests that I haven't had done before.  This was the last day of worry free pregnancy.  I find out I have factor 5 leiden which is a blood clotting disorder.  After reading up some I wonder why I have never been tested before.  And I get so upset because most likely this is why I lost my sweet Noah and it could have been prevented.  So now I wait.  I have my 1st look appointment on the 25th I will be 12 1/2 weeks along and pray that this little ones heart is still beating and is still healthy.  Afterwards I meet with a maternal fetal specialist to find out how we will manage the remainder of this pregnancy.

September

     IVF number four is underway.  I had my suppression check yesterday and everything looks good so I start my egg growing injections tonight.  It's funny how your feelings through this process change.  When I first started injections I was so nervous that I would do it wrong or mess up an then not have enough medication.  Now it's like second nature and I'm done is less than a minute.  The procedures use to seem like so much more to me.  But now it's just science and some days it's my friend and others my enemy.  I've found peace with my life.  Would i like another child?  Of course I would otherwise I wouldn't be doing this at all.  Will I be shattered if it doesn't work?  No.  I will be sad but I will be okay.

Moving on to IVF # 4

     It's been about two months since my miscarriage and I am ready to move forward.  Last week I meet with my ob/gyn and discussed the autopsy of my baby.   I found out the reason he died was because he had mosaic trisomy 22.  My dr said this is rare and shouldn't happen again. I named our angel baby Emerson.

     Next my husband and I went to see our RE.  There we discussed our odds of having another miscarriage and of having a healthy baby. Before talking with him I was starting to feel as though my eggs were too old but after I felt more optimistic. So if everything goes as planned ivf #4 will happen in September. Wish me luck!!

Eight Weeks

     I've been trying to write this  post but the words just aren't flowing.  Simply put my baby is dead.  It is so difficult to believe that one week ago I saw a healthy fluttering heartbeat and then the next week to still see my baby but this time no fluttering heartbeat.  And the tech speaking into words what I could already see on the screen.  I have gone through a range of emotions the last few days, anger, sadness, uncontrollable tears, and somewhat acceptance.  From having a new plan to having no idea what my next steps should be.

     Yesterday I went for my D&C.  I opted for the D&C because my body still has not figured out that there has been a loss and also so that we could get chromosomal testing done.  I started  off with my emotions under control. While in the waiting room I heard the music box play rock a bye baby announcing another baby has been born.  I still managed to keep my emotions under control. That was until the nurse asked me what I was there for, and then I was asked again by the anesthesiologist and then again by the OR nurse.  Did you know that when you miscarry at 8 weeks they call it a missed abortion?  Seeing those words felt like such an assault.  This baby was wanted more than words could ever describe.

     After the procedure they let me see my baby.  Which at this point was in a test tube getting ready to go down to pathology.  It wasn't until that point that everything was finally real to me my baby was dead.  There was no mistake.  I am no longer pregnant. I have failed again.
 
     I have an appointment in a couple of weeks to go over the findings of the pathology tests.  Until then I am in limbo with no idea where I stand in this journey.  So for the next few weeks I am going to try and heal physically and emotionally.  Because at this moment pregnant women are just too much for me to deal with.  The life of an infertile is full of waiting, hurting and clinging to the slightest bit of hope that in the end it will all be worth it and there will be happiness.

Seven Weeks Pregnant

     I had my ultrasound on Thursday and like my entire infertility journey it was mixed news.  The great news was yes there is a heart beat.  And it was a strong little heart rate of 136.  Baby is measuring at 6 weeks 5 days which was fine, I am seven weeks 1 day.  And the gestational sac was a little small but still in range.  What was not okay was the yolk sac.  It was measuring at 6.2 mm.  It should be between 3-5 mm.  So of course at this stage in a pregnancy there is really nothing I can do but wait.  Waiting is horrible and the internet is a terrible friend.  What I have learned it that most pregnancies with enlarged yolk sacks end in miscarriage.  That my baby has a 50/50 chance of making it through the first trimester.  And if my baby does make it an increased risk of  some type of genetic disorder.  I go back in a week to see if my baby's heart is still beating and praying that the yolk sack has collapsed down.

5 Weeks Pregnant I Think??

  The two week wait was more difficult than I thought it would be.  Although I told myself I wouldn't test I did....like two or three times a day.  I finally stopped after my first beta test test which came back at 310.  Six days later my beta is now 2141 and my progesterone is 29.  One more beta test next week and then an ultrasound scheduled for the 23rd.  I can't believe I can almost call myself pregnant.  As much as I believe that I am I know it's not official until after we see the heartbeat.  So I feel like I'm in another two week wait but doesn't feel quite so stressful.

Frozen embryo transfer and the two week wait

     April 22nd I had my frozen embryo transfer and it went great.  At my clinic the doctors rotate but after my failed IVF I asked my doctor if he would do it.  He did my transfer 2 1/2 years ago and I got pregnant.  I found it interesting how during my fresh cycle the doctor was like here's your uterus insert embryo.  Well this time with my doctor of chose he was more like lets push this little embryo right against your lining.Now maybe I'm just being picky but I think it makes a difference.  After all I have been getting positive pregnancy test results since Saturday April 27th.

     So this is how crazy I am during the two week wait. I have tested nine times since the transfer sometimes twice a day.  I have used four different types of pregnancy test  and every time i use a cheap Stop and Shop one it is always negative.  This made me go out and buy more test, digital ones this time.  No making an error in reading these ones.  These ones are Clearblue Easy Digital and always say pregnant (I like these ones).  So for now I say I am pregnant and on Friday when I go for my Beta test I really hope my number is high enough that the nurse says I am pregnant too.

It's a Go!!

     FET is scheduled for Monday!! I am so glad I made it this far through this cycle without any hitches.  Now it's just up to my little embryo to make it through the thawing process and all will be good.  I know it's silly but I am so confidant that this will be the cycle that ends positively that there is just no room for doubt or negative thoughts.

     So in about 2 1/2 weeks I can't wait to share with you all my positive beta test.  

Fresh Outlook

     It's been six weeks since I got my BFN from my IVF cycle.  I've had a lot of time to think about how far I am willing to go.  How many treatments will I do?  Will I return to trying IUIs when my insurance will no longer cover IVF?  Well I think I know my answers to these questions that weigh on my mind on a daily basis.  One of the things I promised myself was that I wasn't going to let infertility consume my life and this last cycle I failed miserably.  It was time to stop the pity party and started living again.

     These last few weeks I have gotten back in the  kitchen and tried new recipes.  I have made significant progress on my first quilt that I have been making.  I have finished a busy book for my son. And I have planted my seeds in hopes of having an amazing garden this summer.

     What I have come to realize is that my life is good and I enjoy living it.  I am half way through my FET cycle and have not obsessed about the odds of being successful.  I refuse to take  multiple pregnancy test during the two week weight.  And for the next few weeks I will continue to do the things I love and not let infertility control who I am.

Rant Session

    Just to warn you this is a rant session.   There have been somethings that I've been hearing lately that have really been bothering me.  So I am hoping to write about it, get it off my chest and move on.

     First there is a mother I know who is having her second baby in a couple of weeks.  She stated that she feels nothing towards this baby and isn't even looking forward to it being here!  When I read this I thought how horrible and tried to not think of it again.  But then at least a dozen other mothers sympathized with her and felt the same way!!  One even stated that she is due next month and hasn't done the nursery yet and doesn't want to do it.  What is wrong with these women?  I swear women who get pregnant easily have no idea what a blessing it is to have a baby and honestly I don't understand why they are having a second child when they feel this way.

     Next I joined a facebook group that was suppose to be a support group for people with infertility issues. When I first joined it was so positive and I enjoyed reading comments and seeing were everyone was.  People also asked how I was doing and offered advise when I needed it.  Lately it has turned so negative.  It seems like everyone is complaining and feeling sorry for themselves and each other.  I miss how it use to be.

     Lastly I came across a blog of a woman I knew who was struggling to get through a devastating time in her life.  A group of women rallied around her and we did a meal train for her and even put together a craft fair to help support her and her family.  At first I was so proud to be apart of this group and thought what wonderful things we could to for other people in there time of need.  As time went on I slowly realized that these women aren't about helping others they are about feeling like they are better than others.  This group started because of one family's grief and I really hope they can get there act together and become the group they should be.

     Okay I got everything out.  Now it's time to move forward and not dwell on this negativity any longer.

A Beauty Contest

     We had our follow up with our RE yesterday to discuss doing a FET since our IVF cycle failed.  We only have one frozen embryo so I am a little worried about that.  I did find out some interesting facts though.  Like   my frozen embryo has a 90% chance of surviving the thaw process and then a 50% chance of resulting in a pregnancy.  Not really sure how I feel about this.  A 50% chance doesn't feel so great to me.  Something else he told me that I found interesting was how they grade the embryos.  It is basically a beauty contest.  They only go by how the embryo looks which means that a perfect looking embryo could have chromosomal problems and not implant and an embryo that looks horrible could be discarded and in actuality it could have been a perfect embryo.  This kind of upsets me because most of my embryos get discarded because of their "quality".  At this point all I can do is what for AF to arrive so we can start this next cycle and hope that this little embryo is healthy and strong.

BFN :*(

     I got the confirmation that I m not pregnant.  It's so hard to understand how a perfectly good embryo can be put directly into my uterus and I still don't get pregnant.  I have one frozen embryo from this cycle and met with the RE next Thursday to get the "new plan".  I'm hoping that this is God's plan.  He knows I only want one more child and I could never bare to keep that one frozen embryo frozen forever.  So I will still have hope.

Insanity

Insanity - Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

     Yup that is how you can describe how I have been acting the last couple of days.  I have been poas once, twice, sometimes three times a day.  Each time feeling a little more desperate.  Each time getting the same negative result that I am convinced will be positive the next trip to the bathroom.  In a couple of hours I will finally have closure to this cycle when the nurse calls me with my beta,  ha zero. 

    So to try and regain my sanity I have started busying myself in the kitchen and thought I'd share my creations with all of you.

                                          CINNAMON ROLLS!!!

     These were so yummy!!!  They lasted a day and a half in my house.  Such a guilty pleasure. 

     I also hope to start making a quilt for my bed.  I am hoping that my having something like this to do it will keep me from becoming obsessed with my infertility struggles.  Living is about so much more than just creating life and as hard as it is I need to remember that. 

POAS

    Against my better judgement I have been peeing on a stick since last Thursday.  I knew that it was too soon but I just couldn't help myself and once you start you can't stopped.  Up untill today I was okay with seeing them be negative but I really thought today would be my positive.  Thursday is my Beta test so I guess we will know for sure then.  For now I will just continue peeing on a stick.

     On another note  I got my letter from the RE and we have one embryo that made it to day five and was frozen.  I'm not sure how I feel about this.  I really want to be pregnant now and not have to do another cycle.  I also can't bare to destroy that strong little embryo.   I guess it's a discussion I don't have to make yet.

Why I Transfer Only One Embryo

     I hear a lot of people going through IVF say how they hope to have two or three or even more embryos to implant at once.  Some want to implant more the one for financial reasons.  Some want to in the hopes it increases their chances of getting pregnant. Some do it because it is standard protocol and what their RE reccomends. 

     Your RE might want to implant two embryos because of their quality in the hopes that one will implant.  They will warn you that one or both embryos might not implant.  You can prepare yourself for that.  You get your positive beta and wait for the ultrasound to hear your babies heartbeat.  That is when your clinic declares your pregnancy a sucess and off you go to your ob/gyn. I was seven and a half weeks pregnant.

     At this point you feel pretty good both your embryos implanted now to get through the first trimester.  Everyone always says onces your out of the first trimester your safe.  The chances of a miscarriage are slim.  You Dr will tell you this is true but with twins they worry about early labor and the complications of it.  You prepare yourself for the chance that your babies might come early and have to be in the NICU.

     The second trimester is called the honeymoon period.  Morning sickness is usually gone and your energy level is increasing.  Nothing to worry about till the third trimester and that's only if you go into labor early.  My honeymoon ended at week 21.

     This is what I wish I had been prepared for:

    - Even when every ultrasound of your babies looks perfect you can still lose one or both unexpectedly.

    - That you can carry one living baby and one that has passed away for 14 weeks in my case before going into labor.

    - That even though the ultrasound doctors tell you all that will be left of that baby is tissue and there will be nothing recognizable of that baby when you go into labor they can be wrong.  In my case my baby was a small baby that fit in my hand.  He had an angelic face and tiny finger and toes.

    - That you will grieve for your baby when you first find out you have lost him but then you will wonder if it was a mistake untill you go into labor and then hold him.  Then you will grieve all over again.

    - You will alway want to know what happened to your angel baby and you  know that you will never have the answer to that question.

    - You will always wonder how and what your living baby felt when his twins heart stopped beating and his playmate stopped playing with him.

   - That when you get home with your baby it will be so hard to be happy and enjoy him because you are still mourning your baby that is in heaven and you will feel guilty for those feelings.

    - Finally when the time comes you wonder how you will explain to your baby what happened to his twin and pray that they don't blame themselves for things that are unknown.

     If I had known that this would be the fate of my twin pregnancy I would have only transfer one embryo and froze the other.  Who knows if there fate would have been the same.  Or maybe I would of had one baby boy and a few years later the other and none of the heartache.

The Two Week Wait

     Wow did OHSS hit me with a bang!!!  I only had a mild cause but it was incredibly painful.  I had fluid in my abdomen but because it was high and not in my pelvic area the doctors went ahead and did a three day transfer.  So as of last Saturday I am officially in the two week wait.

    At egg retrieval we had gotton 14 eggs and 10 of them fertalized.  9 of them made it to day 2  and on day 3 we transfered 1  good embryo.  They will be sending me a letter sometime in the next week to let me know if any embryos were frozen.  At the time of transfer it looked like maybe we would have 2 but the doctors wanted to grow them a bit bigger before freezing them.  Hopefully they made it.

     I have 8 more days before my first beta test.  It's amazing how slow time can go when your waiting.  It's also amazing how suddenly to can come to big dissicions and feel peaceful about them.

Big Discission One: I will not do another egg retrieval.  If there ends up not being any frozen embryos then my infertility journey will be over and my family will be complete just the way it is. 

That's it just one for now, but it's a big one and one I feel comfortable about.  We'll see what else I come up with during the dreaded two week wait.

Egg Retrieval

   I feel like I have been waiting for this day forever.  I have to admit that I am scared.  I have a good chance of getting OHSS because my estradiol number was up over 5000.  In the end I had a lot of follicles but only 14 eggs. My last IVF we got 26 eggs and only two were good enough to transfer.  I really hope of these 14 I have one premium embryo to transfer.

     I had forgotten what it was like after egg retrieval.  I am so sore. I thought I would feel some relief getting all off the follicles out but not yet.  Hopefully in a few days the bloating will go down and the soreness will subside.  In the meantime  I will sit by the phone and wait to hear how many of our eggs fertilized.

     By the way I do not recommend reading any articles about "The Walking Dead"  I woke up from the anesthesia acting like a zombie... how embarrassing.

Emotions

     Well it's day ten of stims and it feels like ten days too many.  My overies feel as big as baseballs and I try to be happy about that because it means many growing follicles.  Being uncomfortable is slowly turning into painful and my belly is starting to look like a pin cushion.  6am daily to ever other day monitoring is starting to wear on me physically.  All of this I can handle though.  The physical hardships of infertility I can get through.  The emotional side of this is another story.

     The other day I took my son to a play place to play and have lunch.  Well I ordered him a grilled cheese and it came with carrots, apples or chips none of which he would be thrilled about.  So when we checked out I asked if we could have a banana instead of the apples and the girl behind the counter was like "we don't do that here."    Needless to say I got extremely upset and just wanted to leave.  The logical side of me knows I am over reacting but the emotional side feels like the world is falling down.  This happened last Monday and I can feel myself slowly getting worse.  Feeling like I am alone and honestly just sad about nothing and everything.  Please let this cycle be over soon and please let it end in happiness.

Too Many or Not Enough

     Today is IVF cycle day 7.   I have 11 follicles from 10 mm to 12.6 mm and 14 smaller follicles.  My estradiol level is 1037.   Tonight I will be doing three injections and going back to the RE in the morning to check my estradiol level.  My overies feel like they are the size of baseballs and I honestly hope I don't have to do another IVF ever again.

     Today someone asked if they should transfer one or two embryos.  Most people said two I of course said one.  I don't think people realize just how high risk a twin pregnancy can be.  In a blink of an eye things can go horrible wrong and it can take a long time to physically and emotionally heal from that trama and loss.

     As egg retrieval and transfer draws closerI worry.  I worry that my egg quality will be sub par, again.  I worry thay I will not have any embryos to freeze, again.  I worry that when I transfer only one embryo I will have chosen the wrong way, again.  And I dread ever having to do another IVF cyle, again.

We all have Struggles

     We all have something that we struggle with in our lives.  If we are not careful it can consume us and soon we are not the person we use to be or want to me.  I always thought that my struggle was getting pregnant but after losing a baby I wonder if staying pregnant is my struggle.  This cycle is going very well so far but that has never been a problem for me.  I am not nervous about egg retrieval or transfer.  I feel very positive that I will get pregnant this cycle.  I am however very scared that I will lose the baby I am trying so hard to have.  Losing a baby  in utero or after has got to be the worst lose you can experience.

     I came across a blog of an acquaintance that I had meet at a mothers group.  He child had cancer and her blog was about the struggles they faced and the amazing things they did.  He passed away soon after his second birthday and the pain that she wrote about was heartbreaking.  She is still trying to heal from this loss and I wonder if you ever truly can?

     In life there are no guarantees. We think that after we get get pregnant everything will be just peachy.  Or  after the baby is born everything will be perfect, we have achieved our goal.  What if after all of that our struggles are just beginning?  What if our baby is ill?  What if their whole little life is in a hospital connected to tubes?  Are we prepared for that kind of heartbreak? 

No Fear

     This is my second IVF and I have no doubts that it will work and I will be pregnant.  I started my gonal f injections last night.  I go for my first ultrasound check on Tuesday and I can't wait to see how many and how big my follies are.  If everything goes as planned egg retrieval should be in the next week or so.

     Emotionally I have gotton to the point that I am no longer jealous of those that are pregnant around me.  It took a long time to get to this point and it helps that I did have one semi sucessful IVF pregnancy.  I also don't get upset when I see twins anymore.  This one was harder to get through. It  made me so sad and wonder what my life would be like right now with both my boys.  The pain of that lose has slowly subsided.  My heart still aches but when I see twins I can smile and know how lucky they are to have one another.

    As egg retrieval approaches I worry.  My husband and I agreed only one embryo transfer.  I know it is a safe way to go but what if the quality of our embryos is just so so again?  What if none of them are freezable quality again?  Too many what ifs......

The Green Eyed Monster

    When I first realized that I was having problems conceiving I didn't think much of it after all even people who need a little extra help still get pregnant.  I  guess I was a bit uneducated about infertility.  A year into treatment I still was not pregnant and was starting to think I never would be.  That was about the time it seemed like everyone was pregnant.

     Everytime I turned around there was a baby bump.  I would watch these women who would have a toddler or two and a pregnant belly  and want so badly to be them.  Then I would hear them complaining.  Complaining about how tired they were, how they never have a minute to themselves,  how their feet hurt, and the worst how they couldn't wait to not be pregnant anymore. 

     I started to feel very angry.  These women seemed to be able to pop out babies like candy and didn't even realize how lucky they were.  So how do you get past this anger?  I know I shouldn't feel this way its not their fault they can get pregnant everytime they spread their legs.  If I know someone had a hard time conceiving I am so happy for them.  I know the heartache they felt getting to that happy spot.  Maybe that's what I should do, just think every pregnant woman I see must have had some type of treatment to get to be pregnant.

Sometimes I Wonder......

     For those of us that struggle with infertility trying to get pregnant can become life consuming.  When things go smoothly it involves nightly injections multiple oral medications and vaginal suppositories.  You are getting up at four thirty every morning to go get blood drawn and vaginal ultrasounds, checking the lining of your uterus and measuring follicles.  You tell yourself it only last about a month and if you are one of the lucky ones in nine months you have a baby in your arms.

     Now if you life is like mine you hit snags along the way.  My most recent snag is having polyps in my uterus.  To proceed with the above treatment I need to have these surgically removed.  This will included being put under anesthesia,  having my cervix dialated and then cutting out the polyps. 

     I find myself wondering why?  Why is it so important to me to have another baby?  I have a wonderful life.  I have a husband who loves me and wants nothing more than to see me happy.  I have two very dear children that really are my whole life.  It makes me wonder how I even have time to think about another baby.   Most of all I wonder why I think one more baby will make everything in my life feel complete.

Hysteroscopy

     I went for my hysteroscopy today and to be honest I really wasn't worried about it at all.  The procedure itself was a bit uncomfortable but not painful.  So I was a bit suprised when everything was not A okay.  There was one polyp that was clearly visible but not big enough to worry about.  What was  unsettling was the bottom part of my uterus was all wrinkles as my doctor so delicately put it.  Now there will be one more test, a sonohystergram to determine if these "wrinkles" are redundant folds (no surgery) or polyps (surgery). This is were if gets confusing to me because everything that I have researched  seems seems to say  a hysteroscopy is a more detailed procedure than a sonohysterogram.  I guess I will just have to wait till the sonohysterogram to know what the benefit of doing it is.

IVF cycle day 6

     Never in a million years did I ever think I would have a problem having a baby.  After all why would I,  I had a baby....a decade ago.  In  2009 I was 31 newly married and ready to expand my family.  Who would have thought that it would include 3 different doctors one round of clomid, four iui's and one ivf before finally conceiving twins in December of 2010.  I thought the hard part was over and in nine months my family would be complete.  Little did I know the challenges I would face in those nine months.  At eight weeks I had some bleeding but both babies were fine.  At 12 weeks we passed the down syndrome test with flying colors and for the next six weeks I was happy and relaxed.  At 18 weeks I went for my level 2 ultrasound.  My bloodwork had come back ubber high which indicated that there might me a problem with one or both of the babies.  My stress level was through the roof that day and I prayed over and over that everything was okay with my little ones. I made it through the ultrasound and both babies looked perfect My doctors redid the blood test and that came back fine too.  The doctors decided that it had to be a lab error.  By the way did I metion both babies were boys.  At  21 weeks it's time for another ultrasound.  I am big I am happy and I am halfway there.....and that is the last time  I will feel that way for the rest of that pregnancy.  Baby A's heart had stopped beating.  Baby B was doing fine.  I was sent home to be on bedrest.  No one knew what would happen and everyone hoped that I would stay pregnant long enough for baby B to survive.  For 14 weeks I laid in bed carrying one baby that would kick and let me know he was okay and one baby that I would never know.  On August 11th I finally got to hold Noah and say goodbye.  Then I would hold Asher and ten days later bring him home.  I will never be able to explain how I felt that day or the days that followed.
     17 months later I have found peace.  I still think of my Noah everyday  and I still have my days that I cry.  I have also learned to be happy again.  I cherish every single second that I have with Asher.  I truly know what a blessing he is.
    That brings me to today cycle day 6 of another IVF cycle.  Part of me thinks I've done this before I can get pregnant with the help of IVF and then I remember how unpredictable creating a little miracle can be.