I am 15 weeks pregnant today but unlike other pregnant women I am not taking pictures of my bump or wondering if the baby is a boy or a girl. Instead I am wondering if this baby inside of me is still alive or at my next doctors visit, like at other doctors visits I find out this one too has passed away.
I have lost a baby in the first trimester and I have lost a baby in the second trimester. The first trimester loss was so much easier to deal with. You go to the hospital, they put you to sleep and when you wake up you are no longer pregnant. If you are like me you will torture yourself and need to see your little embryo that is just starting to resemble a baby. A second trimester loss is so much harder. For that you are in labor and delivery and have to give birth but you can't call it giving birth since your baby will never take a breath. Then you lay there holding your tiny baby that you longed for and loved so much and knew you were going to have to let go of. And as you lay in your hospital bed listening to a new baby's cries you pray for your baby now in heaven and you pray for a way to heal.
So here I am after a year of IVF cycles finally pregnant and in the second trimester. I try so hard to take it for what it is and just enjoy making it this far but I know there will be fear in my heart until I hear this little one cry and am holding them safely in my arms
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