Insanity

Insanity - Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

     Yup that is how you can describe how I have been acting the last couple of days.  I have been poas once, twice, sometimes three times a day.  Each time feeling a little more desperate.  Each time getting the same negative result that I am convinced will be positive the next trip to the bathroom.  In a couple of hours I will finally have closure to this cycle when the nurse calls me with my beta,  ha zero. 

    So to try and regain my sanity I have started busying myself in the kitchen and thought I'd share my creations with all of you.

                                          CINNAMON ROLLS!!!

     These were so yummy!!!  They lasted a day and a half in my house.  Such a guilty pleasure. 

     I also hope to start making a quilt for my bed.  I am hoping that my having something like this to do it will keep me from becoming obsessed with my infertility struggles.  Living is about so much more than just creating life and as hard as it is I need to remember that. 

POAS

    Against my better judgement I have been peeing on a stick since last Thursday.  I knew that it was too soon but I just couldn't help myself and once you start you can't stopped.  Up untill today I was okay with seeing them be negative but I really thought today would be my positive.  Thursday is my Beta test so I guess we will know for sure then.  For now I will just continue peeing on a stick.

     On another note  I got my letter from the RE and we have one embryo that made it to day five and was frozen.  I'm not sure how I feel about this.  I really want to be pregnant now and not have to do another cycle.  I also can't bare to destroy that strong little embryo.   I guess it's a discussion I don't have to make yet.

Why I Transfer Only One Embryo

     I hear a lot of people going through IVF say how they hope to have two or three or even more embryos to implant at once.  Some want to implant more the one for financial reasons.  Some want to in the hopes it increases their chances of getting pregnant. Some do it because it is standard protocol and what their RE reccomends. 

     Your RE might want to implant two embryos because of their quality in the hopes that one will implant.  They will warn you that one or both embryos might not implant.  You can prepare yourself for that.  You get your positive beta and wait for the ultrasound to hear your babies heartbeat.  That is when your clinic declares your pregnancy a sucess and off you go to your ob/gyn. I was seven and a half weeks pregnant.

     At this point you feel pretty good both your embryos implanted now to get through the first trimester.  Everyone always says onces your out of the first trimester your safe.  The chances of a miscarriage are slim.  You Dr will tell you this is true but with twins they worry about early labor and the complications of it.  You prepare yourself for the chance that your babies might come early and have to be in the NICU.

     The second trimester is called the honeymoon period.  Morning sickness is usually gone and your energy level is increasing.  Nothing to worry about till the third trimester and that's only if you go into labor early.  My honeymoon ended at week 21.

     This is what I wish I had been prepared for:

    - Even when every ultrasound of your babies looks perfect you can still lose one or both unexpectedly.

    - That you can carry one living baby and one that has passed away for 14 weeks in my case before going into labor.

    - That even though the ultrasound doctors tell you all that will be left of that baby is tissue and there will be nothing recognizable of that baby when you go into labor they can be wrong.  In my case my baby was a small baby that fit in my hand.  He had an angelic face and tiny finger and toes.

    - That you will grieve for your baby when you first find out you have lost him but then you will wonder if it was a mistake untill you go into labor and then hold him.  Then you will grieve all over again.

    - You will alway want to know what happened to your angel baby and you  know that you will never have the answer to that question.

    - You will always wonder how and what your living baby felt when his twins heart stopped beating and his playmate stopped playing with him.

   - That when you get home with your baby it will be so hard to be happy and enjoy him because you are still mourning your baby that is in heaven and you will feel guilty for those feelings.

    - Finally when the time comes you wonder how you will explain to your baby what happened to his twin and pray that they don't blame themselves for things that are unknown.

     If I had known that this would be the fate of my twin pregnancy I would have only transfer one embryo and froze the other.  Who knows if there fate would have been the same.  Or maybe I would of had one baby boy and a few years later the other and none of the heartache.

The Two Week Wait

     Wow did OHSS hit me with a bang!!!  I only had a mild cause but it was incredibly painful.  I had fluid in my abdomen but because it was high and not in my pelvic area the doctors went ahead and did a three day transfer.  So as of last Saturday I am officially in the two week wait.

    At egg retrieval we had gotton 14 eggs and 10 of them fertalized.  9 of them made it to day 2  and on day 3 we transfered 1  good embryo.  They will be sending me a letter sometime in the next week to let me know if any embryos were frozen.  At the time of transfer it looked like maybe we would have 2 but the doctors wanted to grow them a bit bigger before freezing them.  Hopefully they made it.

     I have 8 more days before my first beta test.  It's amazing how slow time can go when your waiting.  It's also amazing how suddenly to can come to big dissicions and feel peaceful about them.

Big Discission One: I will not do another egg retrieval.  If there ends up not being any frozen embryos then my infertility journey will be over and my family will be complete just the way it is. 

That's it just one for now, but it's a big one and one I feel comfortable about.  We'll see what else I come up with during the dreaded two week wait.

Egg Retrieval

   I feel like I have been waiting for this day forever.  I have to admit that I am scared.  I have a good chance of getting OHSS because my estradiol number was up over 5000.  In the end I had a lot of follicles but only 14 eggs. My last IVF we got 26 eggs and only two were good enough to transfer.  I really hope of these 14 I have one premium embryo to transfer.

     I had forgotten what it was like after egg retrieval.  I am so sore. I thought I would feel some relief getting all off the follicles out but not yet.  Hopefully in a few days the bloating will go down and the soreness will subside.  In the meantime  I will sit by the phone and wait to hear how many of our eggs fertilized.

     By the way I do not recommend reading any articles about "The Walking Dead"  I woke up from the anesthesia acting like a zombie... how embarrassing.

Emotions

     Well it's day ten of stims and it feels like ten days too many.  My overies feel as big as baseballs and I try to be happy about that because it means many growing follicles.  Being uncomfortable is slowly turning into painful and my belly is starting to look like a pin cushion.  6am daily to ever other day monitoring is starting to wear on me physically.  All of this I can handle though.  The physical hardships of infertility I can get through.  The emotional side of this is another story.

     The other day I took my son to a play place to play and have lunch.  Well I ordered him a grilled cheese and it came with carrots, apples or chips none of which he would be thrilled about.  So when we checked out I asked if we could have a banana instead of the apples and the girl behind the counter was like "we don't do that here."    Needless to say I got extremely upset and just wanted to leave.  The logical side of me knows I am over reacting but the emotional side feels like the world is falling down.  This happened last Monday and I can feel myself slowly getting worse.  Feeling like I am alone and honestly just sad about nothing and everything.  Please let this cycle be over soon and please let it end in happiness.

Too Many or Not Enough

     Today is IVF cycle day 7.   I have 11 follicles from 10 mm to 12.6 mm and 14 smaller follicles.  My estradiol level is 1037.   Tonight I will be doing three injections and going back to the RE in the morning to check my estradiol level.  My overies feel like they are the size of baseballs and I honestly hope I don't have to do another IVF ever again.

     Today someone asked if they should transfer one or two embryos.  Most people said two I of course said one.  I don't think people realize just how high risk a twin pregnancy can be.  In a blink of an eye things can go horrible wrong and it can take a long time to physically and emotionally heal from that trama and loss.

     As egg retrieval and transfer draws closerI worry.  I worry that my egg quality will be sub par, again.  I worry thay I will not have any embryos to freeze, again.  I worry that when I transfer only one embryo I will have chosen the wrong way, again.  And I dread ever having to do another IVF cyle, again.

We all have Struggles

     We all have something that we struggle with in our lives.  If we are not careful it can consume us and soon we are not the person we use to be or want to me.  I always thought that my struggle was getting pregnant but after losing a baby I wonder if staying pregnant is my struggle.  This cycle is going very well so far but that has never been a problem for me.  I am not nervous about egg retrieval or transfer.  I feel very positive that I will get pregnant this cycle.  I am however very scared that I will lose the baby I am trying so hard to have.  Losing a baby  in utero or after has got to be the worst lose you can experience.

     I came across a blog of an acquaintance that I had meet at a mothers group.  He child had cancer and her blog was about the struggles they faced and the amazing things they did.  He passed away soon after his second birthday and the pain that she wrote about was heartbreaking.  She is still trying to heal from this loss and I wonder if you ever truly can?

     In life there are no guarantees. We think that after we get get pregnant everything will be just peachy.  Or  after the baby is born everything will be perfect, we have achieved our goal.  What if after all of that our struggles are just beginning?  What if our baby is ill?  What if their whole little life is in a hospital connected to tubes?  Are we prepared for that kind of heartbreak? 

No Fear

     This is my second IVF and I have no doubts that it will work and I will be pregnant.  I started my gonal f injections last night.  I go for my first ultrasound check on Tuesday and I can't wait to see how many and how big my follies are.  If everything goes as planned egg retrieval should be in the next week or so.

     Emotionally I have gotton to the point that I am no longer jealous of those that are pregnant around me.  It took a long time to get to this point and it helps that I did have one semi sucessful IVF pregnancy.  I also don't get upset when I see twins anymore.  This one was harder to get through. It  made me so sad and wonder what my life would be like right now with both my boys.  The pain of that lose has slowly subsided.  My heart still aches but when I see twins I can smile and know how lucky they are to have one another.

    As egg retrieval approaches I worry.  My husband and I agreed only one embryo transfer.  I know it is a safe way to go but what if the quality of our embryos is just so so again?  What if none of them are freezable quality again?  Too many what ifs......