The Green Eyed Monster

    When I first realized that I was having problems conceiving I didn't think much of it after all even people who need a little extra help still get pregnant.  I  guess I was a bit uneducated about infertility.  A year into treatment I still was not pregnant and was starting to think I never would be.  That was about the time it seemed like everyone was pregnant.

     Everytime I turned around there was a baby bump.  I would watch these women who would have a toddler or two and a pregnant belly  and want so badly to be them.  Then I would hear them complaining.  Complaining about how tired they were, how they never have a minute to themselves,  how their feet hurt, and the worst how they couldn't wait to not be pregnant anymore. 

     I started to feel very angry.  These women seemed to be able to pop out babies like candy and didn't even realize how lucky they were.  So how do you get past this anger?  I know I shouldn't feel this way its not their fault they can get pregnant everytime they spread their legs.  If I know someone had a hard time conceiving I am so happy for them.  I know the heartache they felt getting to that happy spot.  Maybe that's what I should do, just think every pregnant woman I see must have had some type of treatment to get to be pregnant.

Sometimes I Wonder......

     For those of us that struggle with infertility trying to get pregnant can become life consuming.  When things go smoothly it involves nightly injections multiple oral medications and vaginal suppositories.  You are getting up at four thirty every morning to go get blood drawn and vaginal ultrasounds, checking the lining of your uterus and measuring follicles.  You tell yourself it only last about a month and if you are one of the lucky ones in nine months you have a baby in your arms.

     Now if you life is like mine you hit snags along the way.  My most recent snag is having polyps in my uterus.  To proceed with the above treatment I need to have these surgically removed.  This will included being put under anesthesia,  having my cervix dialated and then cutting out the polyps. 

     I find myself wondering why?  Why is it so important to me to have another baby?  I have a wonderful life.  I have a husband who loves me and wants nothing more than to see me happy.  I have two very dear children that really are my whole life.  It makes me wonder how I even have time to think about another baby.   Most of all I wonder why I think one more baby will make everything in my life feel complete.

Hysteroscopy

     I went for my hysteroscopy today and to be honest I really wasn't worried about it at all.  The procedure itself was a bit uncomfortable but not painful.  So I was a bit suprised when everything was not A okay.  There was one polyp that was clearly visible but not big enough to worry about.  What was  unsettling was the bottom part of my uterus was all wrinkles as my doctor so delicately put it.  Now there will be one more test, a sonohystergram to determine if these "wrinkles" are redundant folds (no surgery) or polyps (surgery). This is were if gets confusing to me because everything that I have researched  seems seems to say  a hysteroscopy is a more detailed procedure than a sonohysterogram.  I guess I will just have to wait till the sonohysterogram to know what the benefit of doing it is.

IVF cycle day 6

     Never in a million years did I ever think I would have a problem having a baby.  After all why would I,  I had a baby....a decade ago.  In  2009 I was 31 newly married and ready to expand my family.  Who would have thought that it would include 3 different doctors one round of clomid, four iui's and one ivf before finally conceiving twins in December of 2010.  I thought the hard part was over and in nine months my family would be complete.  Little did I know the challenges I would face in those nine months.  At eight weeks I had some bleeding but both babies were fine.  At 12 weeks we passed the down syndrome test with flying colors and for the next six weeks I was happy and relaxed.  At 18 weeks I went for my level 2 ultrasound.  My bloodwork had come back ubber high which indicated that there might me a problem with one or both of the babies.  My stress level was through the roof that day and I prayed over and over that everything was okay with my little ones. I made it through the ultrasound and both babies looked perfect My doctors redid the blood test and that came back fine too.  The doctors decided that it had to be a lab error.  By the way did I metion both babies were boys.  At  21 weeks it's time for another ultrasound.  I am big I am happy and I am halfway there.....and that is the last time  I will feel that way for the rest of that pregnancy.  Baby A's heart had stopped beating.  Baby B was doing fine.  I was sent home to be on bedrest.  No one knew what would happen and everyone hoped that I would stay pregnant long enough for baby B to survive.  For 14 weeks I laid in bed carrying one baby that would kick and let me know he was okay and one baby that I would never know.  On August 11th I finally got to hold Noah and say goodbye.  Then I would hold Asher and ten days later bring him home.  I will never be able to explain how I felt that day or the days that followed.
     17 months later I have found peace.  I still think of my Noah everyday  and I still have my days that I cry.  I have also learned to be happy again.  I cherish every single second that I have with Asher.  I truly know what a blessing he is.
    That brings me to today cycle day 6 of another IVF cycle.  Part of me thinks I've done this before I can get pregnant with the help of IVF and then I remember how unpredictable creating a little miracle can be.