I've been trying to write this post but the words just aren't flowing. Simply put my baby is dead. It is so difficult to believe that one week ago I saw a healthy fluttering heartbeat and then the next week to still see my baby but this time no fluttering heartbeat. And the tech speaking into words what I could already see on the screen. I have gone through a range of emotions the last few days, anger, sadness, uncontrollable tears, and somewhat acceptance. From having a new plan to having no idea what my next steps should be.
Yesterday I went for my D&C. I opted for the D&C because my body still has not figured out that there has been a loss and also so that we could get chromosomal testing done. I started off with my emotions under control. While in the waiting room I heard the music box play rock a bye baby announcing another baby has been born. I still managed to keep my emotions under control. That was until the nurse asked me what I was there for, and then I was asked again by the anesthesiologist and then again by the OR nurse. Did you know that when you miscarry at 8 weeks they call it a missed abortion? Seeing those words felt like such an assault. This baby was wanted more than words could ever describe.
After the procedure they let me see my baby. Which at this point was in a test tube getting ready to go down to pathology. It wasn't until that point that everything was finally real to me my baby was dead. There was no mistake. I am no longer pregnant. I have failed again.
I have an appointment in a couple of weeks to go over the findings of the pathology tests. Until then I am in limbo with no idea where I stand in this journey. So for the next few weeks I am going to try and heal physically and emotionally. Because at this moment pregnant women are just too much for me to deal with. The life of an infertile is full of waiting, hurting and clinging to the slightest bit of hope that in the end it will all be worth it and there will be happiness.
