September

     IVF number four is underway.  I had my suppression check yesterday and everything looks good so I start my egg growing injections tonight.  It's funny how your feelings through this process change.  When I first started injections I was so nervous that I would do it wrong or mess up an then not have enough medication.  Now it's like second nature and I'm done is less than a minute.  The procedures use to seem like so much more to me.  But now it's just science and some days it's my friend and others my enemy.  I've found peace with my life.  Would i like another child?  Of course I would otherwise I wouldn't be doing this at all.  Will I be shattered if it doesn't work?  No.  I will be sad but I will be okay.

Moving on to IVF # 4

     It's been about two months since my miscarriage and I am ready to move forward.  Last week I meet with my ob/gyn and discussed the autopsy of my baby.   I found out the reason he died was because he had mosaic trisomy 22.  My dr said this is rare and shouldn't happen again. I named our angel baby Emerson.

     Next my husband and I went to see our RE.  There we discussed our odds of having another miscarriage and of having a healthy baby. Before talking with him I was starting to feel as though my eggs were too old but after I felt more optimistic. So if everything goes as planned ivf #4 will happen in September. Wish me luck!!

Eight Weeks

     I've been trying to write this  post but the words just aren't flowing.  Simply put my baby is dead.  It is so difficult to believe that one week ago I saw a healthy fluttering heartbeat and then the next week to still see my baby but this time no fluttering heartbeat.  And the tech speaking into words what I could already see on the screen.  I have gone through a range of emotions the last few days, anger, sadness, uncontrollable tears, and somewhat acceptance.  From having a new plan to having no idea what my next steps should be.

     Yesterday I went for my D&C.  I opted for the D&C because my body still has not figured out that there has been a loss and also so that we could get chromosomal testing done.  I started  off with my emotions under control. While in the waiting room I heard the music box play rock a bye baby announcing another baby has been born.  I still managed to keep my emotions under control. That was until the nurse asked me what I was there for, and then I was asked again by the anesthesiologist and then again by the OR nurse.  Did you know that when you miscarry at 8 weeks they call it a missed abortion?  Seeing those words felt like such an assault.  This baby was wanted more than words could ever describe.

     After the procedure they let me see my baby.  Which at this point was in a test tube getting ready to go down to pathology.  It wasn't until that point that everything was finally real to me my baby was dead.  There was no mistake.  I am no longer pregnant. I have failed again.
 
     I have an appointment in a couple of weeks to go over the findings of the pathology tests.  Until then I am in limbo with no idea where I stand in this journey.  So for the next few weeks I am going to try and heal physically and emotionally.  Because at this moment pregnant women are just too much for me to deal with.  The life of an infertile is full of waiting, hurting and clinging to the slightest bit of hope that in the end it will all be worth it and there will be happiness.

Seven Weeks Pregnant

     I had my ultrasound on Thursday and like my entire infertility journey it was mixed news.  The great news was yes there is a heart beat.  And it was a strong little heart rate of 136.  Baby is measuring at 6 weeks 5 days which was fine, I am seven weeks 1 day.  And the gestational sac was a little small but still in range.  What was not okay was the yolk sac.  It was measuring at 6.2 mm.  It should be between 3-5 mm.  So of course at this stage in a pregnancy there is really nothing I can do but wait.  Waiting is horrible and the internet is a terrible friend.  What I have learned it that most pregnancies with enlarged yolk sacks end in miscarriage.  That my baby has a 50/50 chance of making it through the first trimester.  And if my baby does make it an increased risk of  some type of genetic disorder.  I go back in a week to see if my baby's heart is still beating and praying that the yolk sack has collapsed down.

5 Weeks Pregnant I Think??

  The two week wait was more difficult than I thought it would be.  Although I told myself I wouldn't test I did....like two or three times a day.  I finally stopped after my first beta test test which came back at 310.  Six days later my beta is now 2141 and my progesterone is 29.  One more beta test next week and then an ultrasound scheduled for the 23rd.  I can't believe I can almost call myself pregnant.  As much as I believe that I am I know it's not official until after we see the heartbeat.  So I feel like I'm in another two week wait but doesn't feel quite so stressful.

Frozen embryo transfer and the two week wait

     April 22nd I had my frozen embryo transfer and it went great.  At my clinic the doctors rotate but after my failed IVF I asked my doctor if he would do it.  He did my transfer 2 1/2 years ago and I got pregnant.  I found it interesting how during my fresh cycle the doctor was like here's your uterus insert embryo.  Well this time with my doctor of chose he was more like lets push this little embryo right against your lining.Now maybe I'm just being picky but I think it makes a difference.  After all I have been getting positive pregnancy test results since Saturday April 27th.

     So this is how crazy I am during the two week wait. I have tested nine times since the transfer sometimes twice a day.  I have used four different types of pregnancy test  and every time i use a cheap Stop and Shop one it is always negative.  This made me go out and buy more test, digital ones this time.  No making an error in reading these ones.  These ones are Clearblue Easy Digital and always say pregnant (I like these ones).  So for now I say I am pregnant and on Friday when I go for my Beta test I really hope my number is high enough that the nurse says I am pregnant too.

It's a Go!!

     FET is scheduled for Monday!! I am so glad I made it this far through this cycle without any hitches.  Now it's just up to my little embryo to make it through the thawing process and all will be good.  I know it's silly but I am so confidant that this will be the cycle that ends positively that there is just no room for doubt or negative thoughts.

     So in about 2 1/2 weeks I can't wait to share with you all my positive beta test.