18 weeks

     Today I am 18 weeks 4 days pregnant.   5 1/2 more weeks till we hit our first goal, viability.  WE had our level II ultrasound and everything looked great so that gives me some reassurance. Although I know from past experience nothing is set in stone.  Horrible things can happen at any moment.  I am really hoping that once i get past 21 weeks I can start enjoying this pregnancy a little more.  I still haven't bought anything for this sweet girl.  I guess I'm a little afraid of jinxing a pregnancy that is so far going well.  I one thing I regret not doing in past pregnancies is having a 3d ultrasound so I am hoping to get that done around 28 weeks.  Making the appointment is kind of liking buying something and I'm fearful after I schedule I will have to call and cancel.  My next ob appointment is the 24th and I will be 21 weeks 1 day.  It will be the same week I found out I lost Noah.  I hope to make it to this appointment without having another panic attack and bawling phone call to the  dr.'s office.  Making small goals is the only way I am going to make it through this pregnancy.

The Truth About Pregnancy After Infertility and Miscarriage

     I am 15 weeks pregnant today but unlike other pregnant women I am not taking pictures of my bump or wondering if the baby is a boy or a girl.  Instead I am wondering if this baby inside of me is still alive or at my next doctors visit, like at other doctors visits I find out this one too has passed  away.

    I have lost a baby in the first trimester and I have lost a baby in the second trimester.  The first trimester loss was so much easier to deal with.  You go to the hospital, they put you to sleep and when you wake up you are no longer pregnant.  If you are like me you will torture yourself and need to see your little embryo that is just starting to resemble a baby. A second trimester loss is so much harder.  For that you are in labor and delivery and have to give birth but you can't call it giving birth since your baby will never take a breath.  Then you lay there holding your tiny baby that you longed for and loved so much and knew you were going to have to let go of.  And as you lay in your hospital bed listening to a new baby's cries you pray for your baby now in heaven and you pray for a way to heal.

      So here I am  after a year of IVF cycles finally pregnant and in the second trimester.  I try so hard to take it for what it is and just enjoy making it this far but I know there will be fear in my heart until I  hear this little one cry and am holding them safely in my arms

11 weeks and update

     I can't believe I haven't posted anything in 2 1/2 months.  A lot has happened.  First of all we obviously have finished the IVF cycle we started in September.  The cycle itself was uneventful but the retrieval was horrible.  After meeting with the doctor and the anesthesiologist I started to get an uneasy feeling.  I could hear what was being said behind the other curtains and it wasn't good.  One couple got 8 eggs.  Another got 12 but the doctor accidentally punctured her uterus.  I turned to my husband and said I wish Dr. Pang was doing my retrieval I'm not sure this doctor is very good at what he does.  Well my retrieval was done we got 5 eggs which was extremely upsetting considering I had about 40 follicles.  Come to find out he only retrieved the 5 eggs from one ovary and said the rest were to difficult to get to.  This is a problem we never had before and honestly I think this doctor was incompetent.  Well of our 5 eggs 4 fertilized,  3 made it to a day 3 transfer and 2 were transferred.  On to the two week wait.

     Two weeks go by and yay we get a positive beta!!! I was so happy and then worried my progesterone level was extremely high.  High progesterone can be a sign of multiples or a molar pregnancy.  All we can do is wait and see.  The next couple weeks go by and it's time for our first ultrasound.  No molar pregnancy and no multiples.  Just one perfect little beating heart.  We couldn't have been happier.  Maybe this time we would have an uneventful happy pregnancy.   Nope sorry but that is just not my life.

     One week later I go see my ob/gyn.  I am now 8 weeks pregnant.  We get another ultrasound and once again everything is going perfect.  We meet with the nurse who decided to do some blood tests that I haven't had done before.  This was the last day of worry free pregnancy.  I find out I have factor 5 leiden which is a blood clotting disorder.  After reading up some I wonder why I have never been tested before.  And I get so upset because most likely this is why I lost my sweet Noah and it could have been prevented.  So now I wait.  I have my 1st look appointment on the 25th I will be 12 1/2 weeks along and pray that this little ones heart is still beating and is still healthy.  Afterwards I meet with a maternal fetal specialist to find out how we will manage the remainder of this pregnancy.

September

     IVF number four is underway.  I had my suppression check yesterday and everything looks good so I start my egg growing injections tonight.  It's funny how your feelings through this process change.  When I first started injections I was so nervous that I would do it wrong or mess up an then not have enough medication.  Now it's like second nature and I'm done is less than a minute.  The procedures use to seem like so much more to me.  But now it's just science and some days it's my friend and others my enemy.  I've found peace with my life.  Would i like another child?  Of course I would otherwise I wouldn't be doing this at all.  Will I be shattered if it doesn't work?  No.  I will be sad but I will be okay.

Moving on to IVF # 4

     It's been about two months since my miscarriage and I am ready to move forward.  Last week I meet with my ob/gyn and discussed the autopsy of my baby.   I found out the reason he died was because he had mosaic trisomy 22.  My dr said this is rare and shouldn't happen again. I named our angel baby Emerson.

     Next my husband and I went to see our RE.  There we discussed our odds of having another miscarriage and of having a healthy baby. Before talking with him I was starting to feel as though my eggs were too old but after I felt more optimistic. So if everything goes as planned ivf #4 will happen in September. Wish me luck!!

Eight Weeks

     I've been trying to write this  post but the words just aren't flowing.  Simply put my baby is dead.  It is so difficult to believe that one week ago I saw a healthy fluttering heartbeat and then the next week to still see my baby but this time no fluttering heartbeat.  And the tech speaking into words what I could already see on the screen.  I have gone through a range of emotions the last few days, anger, sadness, uncontrollable tears, and somewhat acceptance.  From having a new plan to having no idea what my next steps should be.

     Yesterday I went for my D&C.  I opted for the D&C because my body still has not figured out that there has been a loss and also so that we could get chromosomal testing done.  I started  off with my emotions under control. While in the waiting room I heard the music box play rock a bye baby announcing another baby has been born.  I still managed to keep my emotions under control. That was until the nurse asked me what I was there for, and then I was asked again by the anesthesiologist and then again by the OR nurse.  Did you know that when you miscarry at 8 weeks they call it a missed abortion?  Seeing those words felt like such an assault.  This baby was wanted more than words could ever describe.

     After the procedure they let me see my baby.  Which at this point was in a test tube getting ready to go down to pathology.  It wasn't until that point that everything was finally real to me my baby was dead.  There was no mistake.  I am no longer pregnant. I have failed again.
 
     I have an appointment in a couple of weeks to go over the findings of the pathology tests.  Until then I am in limbo with no idea where I stand in this journey.  So for the next few weeks I am going to try and heal physically and emotionally.  Because at this moment pregnant women are just too much for me to deal with.  The life of an infertile is full of waiting, hurting and clinging to the slightest bit of hope that in the end it will all be worth it and there will be happiness.

Seven Weeks Pregnant

     I had my ultrasound on Thursday and like my entire infertility journey it was mixed news.  The great news was yes there is a heart beat.  And it was a strong little heart rate of 136.  Baby is measuring at 6 weeks 5 days which was fine, I am seven weeks 1 day.  And the gestational sac was a little small but still in range.  What was not okay was the yolk sac.  It was measuring at 6.2 mm.  It should be between 3-5 mm.  So of course at this stage in a pregnancy there is really nothing I can do but wait.  Waiting is horrible and the internet is a terrible friend.  What I have learned it that most pregnancies with enlarged yolk sacks end in miscarriage.  That my baby has a 50/50 chance of making it through the first trimester.  And if my baby does make it an increased risk of  some type of genetic disorder.  I go back in a week to see if my baby's heart is still beating and praying that the yolk sack has collapsed down.