Dear I'm the mom who didn't want twins

     Dear I'm the mom who didn't want twins,

     A friend posted your article today and I get it having twins is hard.   It's twice as much work,  twice as much time,  twice as much stress and twice as much money.  And I'm sure twice as much of many other things.  Some of them even nice things like kisses and snuggles and more love than you could ever dream of.  So let's be honest.  you went through many infertility treatments just as I have.  You knew that there was a chance of getting pregnant with twins.  You where aware of the medical risks involved with being pregnant with twins.  And you're a smart girl I'm sure you discussed the impact it would have on your family if you did get pregnant with twins.

      So I don't get it?  When going through infertility treatment there is always a chance of multiples.  You either embrace it and go forward  or you do everything possible to reduce the risk of multiples.  I remember your infertility journey and you most definitely didn't choose the latter.  So I really don't understand how you could be " The Mom Who Didn't Want Twins".

     I guess I expect more from a fellow mother who struggled with infertility.  Be more sensitive to others.  Have more empathy.  Maybe even be a little more honest.   Try and remember that there are twin moms out there that had to say goodbye to one or both of there twins much to soon.  Try and remember those moms would give anything to have to deal with your twin struggles.  Try to remember that you can have fears and worries and still want something.  So I will give you the benefit of a doubt and think maybe your title should have read "I am scared and stressed to be having twins but want them with all my heart".  Not as catchy as your title but I hope it's closer to the truth.

   Sincerely,
The mom of  an angel twin

Boys will be Boys

     I must say I hate the saying boys will be boys.  Really what does that mean?? To me it's an excuse for when a little boy misbehaves.  Recently my little guy has been having play dates with one of the neighborhood boys.  Now this little boy is rough but lately seems to have a bit of a mean streak in him.  It started with him just pushing Ash around.  I waited a bit to see if this boy's mother was going to say something and also to give Ash a chance to stick up for himself.  When neither happened I spoke up and asked Ash do you like him pushing you?  Ash said no so I told him to tell his friend he doesn't like being pushed and to please stop.  

     Well we took a little break from seeing this "friend" but decided to give it another try today. First this boy pushes Ash down a slide face first that had a puddle of water at the bottom and Ash got soaked.  Then he punch Ash in the eye.  What makes it even worse is that his mother just stood by and did nothing.  Needless to say we will not be having anymore play dates with this neighbor anytime soon.

     It bothers me that Ash was getting pushed around but what bothers me more is that this boy's mother stood by and allowed her son to act this way.  No discipline.  No apology.  Just acted like this was a normal way for a child to play.  Rough play is one thing but this boy was just outright being mean.  So I guess it is time for us to find some new friends.

A New Life

     I can't believe it has been almost two years since my last post.   Good thing I don't have many followers to disappoint with my lack of updates.   So where to begin.  My life is pretty great.  I made it through my last pregnancy and had a beautiful baby girl at 37 weeks.   It was a wonderful pregnancy and at some point I really started enjoying it and stopped worrying about all the what ifs.  Her name is Shaylee and she is now 17 months old.  She is so full of sunshine and makes are life that much brighter.  Asher is now 4 and is so full of life.  I would love to be able to bottle up just a fraction of his energy.  He is in his second year of preschool and really enjoys it.  However we are seriously considering homeschooling him in the future.   Then there is Cody.  He is a sophomore and will be 16 in just a few more days.  I can't believe this amazing young man was once the baby I held in my arms.

      This is my attempt at continuing my blog.  Hopefully I do not fail miserably at it......again.  Since my infertility journey is over this blog will be about our family life and day to day struggles and triumphs.  I hope you all enjoy!!

18 weeks

     Today I am 18 weeks 4 days pregnant.   5 1/2 more weeks till we hit our first goal, viability.  WE had our level II ultrasound and everything looked great so that gives me some reassurance. Although I know from past experience nothing is set in stone.  Horrible things can happen at any moment.  I am really hoping that once i get past 21 weeks I can start enjoying this pregnancy a little more.  I still haven't bought anything for this sweet girl.  I guess I'm a little afraid of jinxing a pregnancy that is so far going well.  I one thing I regret not doing in past pregnancies is having a 3d ultrasound so I am hoping to get that done around 28 weeks.  Making the appointment is kind of liking buying something and I'm fearful after I schedule I will have to call and cancel.  My next ob appointment is the 24th and I will be 21 weeks 1 day.  It will be the same week I found out I lost Noah.  I hope to make it to this appointment without having another panic attack and bawling phone call to the  dr.'s office.  Making small goals is the only way I am going to make it through this pregnancy.

The Truth About Pregnancy After Infertility and Miscarriage

     I am 15 weeks pregnant today but unlike other pregnant women I am not taking pictures of my bump or wondering if the baby is a boy or a girl.  Instead I am wondering if this baby inside of me is still alive or at my next doctors visit, like at other doctors visits I find out this one too has passed  away.

    I have lost a baby in the first trimester and I have lost a baby in the second trimester.  The first trimester loss was so much easier to deal with.  You go to the hospital, they put you to sleep and when you wake up you are no longer pregnant.  If you are like me you will torture yourself and need to see your little embryo that is just starting to resemble a baby. A second trimester loss is so much harder.  For that you are in labor and delivery and have to give birth but you can't call it giving birth since your baby will never take a breath.  Then you lay there holding your tiny baby that you longed for and loved so much and knew you were going to have to let go of.  And as you lay in your hospital bed listening to a new baby's cries you pray for your baby now in heaven and you pray for a way to heal.

      So here I am  after a year of IVF cycles finally pregnant and in the second trimester.  I try so hard to take it for what it is and just enjoy making it this far but I know there will be fear in my heart until I  hear this little one cry and am holding them safely in my arms

11 weeks and update

     I can't believe I haven't posted anything in 2 1/2 months.  A lot has happened.  First of all we obviously have finished the IVF cycle we started in September.  The cycle itself was uneventful but the retrieval was horrible.  After meeting with the doctor and the anesthesiologist I started to get an uneasy feeling.  I could hear what was being said behind the other curtains and it wasn't good.  One couple got 8 eggs.  Another got 12 but the doctor accidentally punctured her uterus.  I turned to my husband and said I wish Dr. Pang was doing my retrieval I'm not sure this doctor is very good at what he does.  Well my retrieval was done we got 5 eggs which was extremely upsetting considering I had about 40 follicles.  Come to find out he only retrieved the 5 eggs from one ovary and said the rest were to difficult to get to.  This is a problem we never had before and honestly I think this doctor was incompetent.  Well of our 5 eggs 4 fertilized,  3 made it to a day 3 transfer and 2 were transferred.  On to the two week wait.

     Two weeks go by and yay we get a positive beta!!! I was so happy and then worried my progesterone level was extremely high.  High progesterone can be a sign of multiples or a molar pregnancy.  All we can do is wait and see.  The next couple weeks go by and it's time for our first ultrasound.  No molar pregnancy and no multiples.  Just one perfect little beating heart.  We couldn't have been happier.  Maybe this time we would have an uneventful happy pregnancy.   Nope sorry but that is just not my life.

     One week later I go see my ob/gyn.  I am now 8 weeks pregnant.  We get another ultrasound and once again everything is going perfect.  We meet with the nurse who decided to do some blood tests that I haven't had done before.  This was the last day of worry free pregnancy.  I find out I have factor 5 leiden which is a blood clotting disorder.  After reading up some I wonder why I have never been tested before.  And I get so upset because most likely this is why I lost my sweet Noah and it could have been prevented.  So now I wait.  I have my 1st look appointment on the 25th I will be 12 1/2 weeks along and pray that this little ones heart is still beating and is still healthy.  Afterwards I meet with a maternal fetal specialist to find out how we will manage the remainder of this pregnancy.

September

     IVF number four is underway.  I had my suppression check yesterday and everything looks good so I start my egg growing injections tonight.  It's funny how your feelings through this process change.  When I first started injections I was so nervous that I would do it wrong or mess up an then not have enough medication.  Now it's like second nature and I'm done is less than a minute.  The procedures use to seem like so much more to me.  But now it's just science and some days it's my friend and others my enemy.  I've found peace with my life.  Would i like another child?  Of course I would otherwise I wouldn't be doing this at all.  Will I be shattered if it doesn't work?  No.  I will be sad but I will be okay.